Left Out?

   Doubtlessly I do feel like an outsider. Mostly in case FLOW. Not specifically like an outsider, but yes, definitely not fully included. C'mon, I'm that capable of understanding that it might be because of my own insecurities and blah blah. If I talk to Aabhu about it, she either feels that I'm taking it in a totally different way or mostly not in the receiving end. I can't deny the fact that it bugs me. So many times. I really feel that I should get more included. The quality of work is itself so incredible that overwhelms me, in a positive way ; but to enlighten it from deeply within I should be included more. Why don't I get to talk to the artists we collaborate with? I always have to come forward and introduce myself. Why doesn't Neel also introduce me as well? Definitely not like Aabhu, but as a part of FLOW. It's a community built by three of us. 

   Earlier I used to feel that because I was all lost and confused, I'm feeling like an outsider and the feeling will eventually fade out. But it hasn't. When people don't recognize me for Raabi Re, I still feel bad like I used to for the last year, which I have accepted that I don't know when it will fade out. 

   As I write it, I also come to know that being a little more included and attentive towards me is all I expect. We all are into everything. Equally. Include me a bit more. Obviously not everywhere. But wherever's important. Like today. I really wanted to be part of a conversation with Ananyaa. Just to be there. Of course it's not all about me, I get that, but the conversation was anyway to thank her. 

   WHY is an unsolvable question. I'm trying to get to the root of it. WHY DO I FEEL THIS? This is an effort to be known, to get validation. Which I also seek for my travel career. Is the ego getting hurt? Of course, to a big extent. I ALSO NEED VALIDATION FROM NEEL WHO IS CONSTANTLY COMPLIMENTING AABHU. This is not a comparison, I know that. I love her to my core but it complimenting her so much and nothing to me increases the insecurity and the want of getting validation from him. Maybe I should not feel the compulsion of validation from HIM, that will reduce the feeling other insecurities related to FLOW. He adores me, I know that, I feel that very well. But I need to be included in the important matters and platforms of FLOW too.

   I legit don't care what people think, working towards what I want to achieve, why should I care too much about what HE thinks? WHY is HIS validation still so important to me? Now that you don't feel lit. nothing about him. This, this compulsion of HIM approving YOU should go away. That'll solve your problem to 50%. 

I need to relax regarding this. I'm taking too much.

Let go.

Only I can push yourself harder, no one can and no one will.

Only I have to keep showing yourself that this journey is going to be long for you, for the kind of changes you want to make. 

I but naturally have to be patient with everything, everything.

Hold on tight, time will sort it out. Every moment is gonna be different ; you will end feeling all different about this thing in a while.

More power to you.

<3