Growing. And understanding each others' growth.

   Why do people not understand growing? There's a huge difference between understanding and knowing. They know you're growing but they can't quiet understand it. And I'm not talking about random people, I'm saying people that are close to you and mean a lot to you. 

   So, growth. Well I'm going through a hell lot of changes every damn day, my mind is under constant transformation and half of the time I have no damn idea about what's going on inside. I can only feel it inside and I let that be. And later, things happen or do not happen with flow. Sometimes I get the reason of such crankiness right after calming down ; sometimes realisation would take place after two years due to a specific situation. That's fine with me. To me, that's GROWTH. 

   I'm even okay with them not understanding it, just don't always tell me to do things. It's quite funny though, people who are under constant transformation also tell you such things. It irritates like crazy. Interfering and constantly telling someone to behave is off limits. How can a person fully grow if he/she doesn't go through hardships caused by themselves? If I make a mistake, I bloody take the full responsibility of it and if I make a good decision, that's too all on me. The point is to learn. And growth is the ultimate step of learning. 

   There are a few things that I just need to get out of my system. So I'll know them and in case if they're harmful, I'll probably experience the harm and won't go back to it. It's my flushing out of toxins. Shopping extra groceries for instance. I recently took a few expensive items which I ideally shouldn't have. But I did and got a lecture by my sister on why I shouldn't have especially when we're running low on money. I didn't argue but she did understand the meaning of my silence. In my defence, that time I had saved some money so I could by something extra and could use that for a longer time mainly 'cause I wanted to buy a thing WITHOUT THINKING OF BUDGET. By the time I got lectured, I was already feeling dizzy using that luxury item. Flushing out toxins, that was that.

   Buying an expensive grocery was still a tangible example, but there are lots of intangible mental situations I get told about. About why I shouldn't raise my voice too high, control my overly expressive face, not argue and keep quiet. At such times I mentally take a run on an empty road screaming I'M OLD ENOUGH TO TAKE MY OWN DECISIONS, and, I'M MOVING OUT OF THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW, IT'S SUFFOCATING. 

   I had so much going on in my mind since last two weeks, nobody to fully understand that. Well there hasn't been anybody lately, but it does make a difference when your close people are around you but still can't understand you. It makes me upset. There are a few things you can't tell others. You can definitely express, but they can't really relate to you. I think this has to be the longest I've written. It's too confusing when there are things, different things, happening around you all the time. How to gather it all and make it neutral is damn hard. The only person you can guarantee is you. 

   At least now I feel quite relaxed finally putting it out of mind. It's better than dwelling on it. There are going to be a few things constant whether or not I change. That's gonna bother me until I'm here. Till then the best I can do is let that happen and express myself to a suitable person / platform. Which I think mostly will be writing. I can only put out the best in me and concentrate on my content. Content for Phirasta. It has started taking a good turn. 

What's gonna happen about love? No one's opinion about my love life really matter tbh. People, even closer ones, judge you from the outer spectre. You give it a shot, whatever's on your mind. You ain't no closed minded. Let's see. Let's not give up on everything.

Power to you. <3